Meat Mission, Hoxton Market, www.meatmission.com

As the new dirty burger craze goes, Meat Liquor and its many off shoots is the daddy. Queues around the block, legions of fans, many, many copy-cats, however, up to this point I had never braved the momentous queue by Debenhams. However now that it has stretched its empire to the East I thought it appropriate to break the burger cherry.

Based in an old Mission just off Hoxton Square, the large restaurant keeps many of the original features of the Mission which sit happily next to the neo-gothic decoration and stripped back interiors. The shocking thing on arrival at Meat Mission was that there was no queue. Obviously we couldn’t take our seats instantly, that would be mental, but we did get the chance to have some civilised cocktails at the bar. This is a world away from shivering outside whilst ravaged shoppers gaze at you in a confused manner. After only 15 minutes of relaxing with a decent man cocktail (whisky) and an sugary girl cocktail (minty), we took our bench.

 

The shared benches are very much part of the ‘get stuck in with a dirty meat’ type of atmos but the shared environment creates a buzz to the restaurant - I have had much more awkward times in ‘posh’ places when they sit you 2 cm away from the next table.

The menu is obviously beef heavy. I opted for a ‘pastrami and swiss’ (vedict to follow) my girlfriend being a vegetarian, went for the veggy burger, this was a Halloumi and Mushroom burger, this was good, I have known vegetarians to avoid places when they see the words burger and goat cheese in the same sentence. However, more to note was the fact I also opted for a plate of Monkey Fingers. These are strips of chicken in batter covered with hot sauce with a blue cheese dip. The first portion was slightly cold and so I asked them to be heated up. Not only did they apologetically take them back but they took it off the bill without asking, a friendly touch which was reflective of the service throughout. They were addictive and came in a mini monkey mountain, initially perturbed that this was going to be far too much animal for me – it pains me to leave food like this -  the temptation of the chicken was too much for my girlfriend who then ate several pieces of chicken and broke 4 years of veggyness. Ha.

There should be a bell to ring in such circumstances or stocks of some sort made out of cow carcasses – to passively break a vegetarian is quite a feat. And one which should be proudly recognised. The portions are big, a burger and ‘bit and pieces’ is enough for two people, otherwise expect to hit the meat sweats whilst still eating. I did not help the consumption quantity by opting for one of their 3 pint jug bottles of cider – not that I wanted 3 pints but the prices are not cheap but the more you buy on beer and cider the cheaper it gets so in a weird way the vat made total sense.

Burger Verdict – very good. It held together well and was eatable in hand (which I see as important) and the cheese, pastrami and sauerkraut were great accompaniants. The burger itself was beefy and robust and tasted of actual beef (also important!). I wouldn’t say it is had the moreish quality of the Lucky Chip burgers which they knock out down at the Sebright Arms but this burger definitely justifies the Meat chain’s (can we call it that yet?) reputation and will see it march on. At the end of the day it is good food, well priced (though booze isn’t as cheap) and a great atmosphere. Go before it gets busy.

Lardo, Richmond Road, http://www.lardo.co.uk/

Lardo is situated just past the top end of London Fields in a converted factory cum apartment block. The block is symptomatic of the rapid gentrification of the area and next door is a place which doesn’t do packaging – the hoardes of Islington move in by the day. Mere mortals without trust funds, city jobs or dubious connections in the gangster world need not apply. However, for those who wish to sit in the building for a few hours without applying for a £400k mortgage then Lardo is a safe bet.

It is one of those places which is quite difficult to  lurk and spy without feeling pressured to go inside, and given the location I have walked past many times assuming that it is going to be rammed. But we took a gamble at 2pm on a Sunday (mainly due to rain, cold and the mile walk to Pembury Tavern) and were pleasantly surprised to find the place incredibly quiet. Given the queues to get into the Cat and Mutton and most other places around here, this is no small shock. The seat we got was not just any seat, it was a ‘lovely one’, according to our waitress, and she did not lie, with it being in the corner all expensive cushions normally reserved for ordaining bars with Hookah pipes. The restaurant has a good, relaxed atmosphere and the staff are incredibly friendly, even if you order your meal in about 8 different stages as we did.

The menu is good value for money with a range of pizzas around £10, pastas, steaks, fish dishes a bit more, a roast for £14, and a bunch of side salads for around £6/7. We both opted for pizzas, cooked in the huge wood burning oven which dominates the room, and they were high quality pizzas. The pepperoni had a star anise punch which hinted to its authenticity and was about as far from Pepperami as you could get. The pizzas could actually be picked up by the slice and eaten without it limply drooping in an emasculating manner with the topping slipping off and leaving you with a wet sad pizza slice – take note of a basic principle of pizza please Pizza East. The Bloody Mary was also very good. I drink a few each weekend and slowly becoming a good judge (annoyingly opinionated) of my breakfast drink - having woken at 12 this was technically brekkie. The Lardo BM was particularly good, with salt rim and cocktail stick of gherkin and olive being a nice touch, and avoiding a garden bush or cherry tomatoes in it (just no).

By the time we had finished the meal the place was getting busier but nothing to stop you wandering here on a Sunday and expecting to get a seat with friendlier treatment (and better food) than most of the pubs in the area. Having stared at the plates others were getting with envy and grumbling about not getting the wild boar pasta or garlic prawns but I can reckon is the type of restaurant which I would turn into my local.

Voodoo Rays, Kingsland High Street, http://dalstonsuperstore.com/features/voodoo-rays/

Located on Kingsland High Street (obvs), Voodoo Rays is part of the same venture as Dalston Superstore. It is a fairly simple concept: late night pizza, but executed in a manner that will leave you confused about why this hasn’t been around forever. I have been there twice now and walked past about 8ish on a Tuesday night last week and the queues made it is obvious that people like their pizza in slices (being in the Sunday Times Style Magazine as a new trend also helps).

The pizzas are large slices which are reheated in the oven and delivered to your table at a temperature similar to molten iron. There is a decent selection of premade pizzas, though if it ain’t on the counter then you ain’t in luck - my choice of the Honolulu (Ham and Pinapple) was everything you expect the pizza to be and what you want at 1am - cheesy, hammy, fruity, salty and filling. They also serve beer and margheritas so you can ensure that you get in that utterly pointless one last beer before heading home. The first time I visited it was after a long Efes session which meant after two bites I was done. I obviously wasn’t going to waste any food so wrapped it in tissue paper before using my girlfriend as a mule to get it home. Having got the chance to taste the pizza in a sober mode the next day I can confirm that it was still pretty tasty, a rather good indictment. The pizzas are also decent value for money, all around the 4 quid mark.

In all, it is a pretty good place to get a post or pre-session snack. This isn’t the type of place you should come to replace a meal out, but to compliment some heavy drinking it is ideal. And obviously it helps that you come out feeling you are the front of the coal face discovering trends that will sweep Britain, rather than when you leave USA PIZZA feeling like you have purchased diabetes.

Ritas @ Birthdays, Stoke Newington Road, http://www.ritasbaranddining.com

Ritas has been open for around 7 months in the live music venue, Birthdays. When it first opened it got a lot of love from a lot of reviewers and was predictably rammed. Following the announcement that Voodoo Rays is now the place to eat in Dalston (small plates are obviously so 2012, NY style pizza slice now de riguer) it seems the huge crowd of hipsters has finally decamped from Ritas meaning that it is now feasible to get a table without having to wait an hour (FYI 'no reservations' is also so 2012).

The eating area of Ritas is merged into the bar area of Birthdays giving you chance to stare at what special people are lurking in Dalston. My personal favourite from the night was the guy with a multipack of tissue paper under his arm and a briefcase. You’re also liable to be treated to some classic pop and a small cheer went up when Whitney Houston reared her impeccable voice.

The menu is obviously small and less small plates, around the £5/8 mark. The menu has some really interesting dishes on it including salad with haggis, blackened wings and chilli, cucumber and peanuts. I elected for the fried chicken roll which looked similar to what you buy from Dixie Chicken down the road but tasted like how Heston would have made over a simple chicken fillet. My only regret was not ordering another, served in a brown paper bag the chicken was battered in buttermilk and came with a spicy and yogurty sauce. A slightly smaller dish of fried cheese with salted cold potatoes was excellent; a physics defying runny cheese concoction somehow held together with panko breadcrumbs. An aubergine parmagana had by the girlfriend was really well done, small touches in marinating the aubergines and including capers making the classic dish above the norm.  A chocolate ‘pie’ tasted like it had been made with Nesquik (a good thing in my book) but some random fruits in the bottom were an odd accompaniment.

Following food, Ritas / Birthdays is not the type of place you want to hang about unless you’re seeing live music. It is cold, there are slightly aggressive bouncers in high vis jackets patrolling around IDing 40 year old men, and concrete décor doesn’t exactly charm (I know everywhere here is concrete but some are more equal than others). The food however is reason enough to brave this trendiness and enjoy menu but hit those small plates hard or you will, like us, end up in Voodoo Rays 3 hours later banging on about how cool it is in there.